( pop music playing )
( sniffs ) ah, get a whiff of that.
My car still has that new duct tape smell.
Oh!
And a spring in the seat that is very into latinas.
Okay, one more pothole
And I'm going to have to bring you home to meet my parents.
God, this is so much better than public transportation.
I don't know why you never want to drive with me.
Uh, because I don't trust a car that's 40% stolen office supplies.
- Is something burning? - ( sniffing )
Oh yeah, but that's rubber, not gas, so we're fine.
( coughs ) no no no, seriously, I need-- I need air.
- ( cracks ) - oh!
Oh, don't worry about it. That broke a while ago.
( chuckles ) here, just use one of these.
( grunts )
( gasping )
Here, let me turn on the vents.
( coughs )
No no, turn it off! Turn it off!
It's okay, it's just some leaves or...
( spits ) raccoon fur.
( hacks )
- ( squealing ) - uh-oh.
That didn't sound good.
No, it's fine. I can fix it.
- ( radio playing pop music - ( groans )
( laughs ) see? Now you can't hear anything.
( backfires )
( engine sputters, dies )
That's new.
It's all right, we're still moving, so...
Yeah, well, that's because we're going downhill.
Okay, and a little too fast. Now would be a good time to pull over!
Yeah, totally would, if the brakes worked!
( screaming )
( theme music playing )
Well, my shoe broke.
Your car broke.
And they're worth about the same!
I get it! You think my car's a piece of crap.
I wish your car was a piece of crap.
To quote the mechanic, it is a "tragedy with seat belts."
I say this with love, gabi,
I think it's time to crush it into a cube.
What do you see in this photo?
You not pulling off cornrows.
( shudders )
I meant this one.
I know, it's the day your mom
Gave you her car for your 16th birthday.
And that car was the last thing she gave me before she died.
I know, I'm sorry.
I know how much it means to you.
"to my sweet baby girl,
Two rules: Treat her well
And don't ever have sex in the backseat."
Well, you followed the first one.
It's just every time I sit in that car,
I feel like she's still sitting next to me,
Yelling "brake! Brake! Brake!"
Gabi, the car is 30 years old.
I think it's time to let her go.
- What?! Never! - It's not safe.
If you keep driving it you're gonna see your mom
A lot sooner than you think.
I realize how bad that sounds.
I'm just worried about you.
That's fine. I'm gonna get her fixed.
Well, I hate to be a buzzkill betty,
But how are you gonna afford to fix that?
The way my mom taught me, by baking.
She said "when life gives you lemons, you just make lemon pie."
I feel like we may need to make like 100.
Well, this would be the first time your pie would be getting us out of trouble.
Gabi is almost an hour late. Josh is gonna be mad.
This is going to be good.
Guys, where's gabi? I'm starving.
- Gabi's in the other room! - Yeah, a room that's not in this house.
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
My car died and I was going to text you but my phone died too.
Oh my god, gabi.
Uh-oh, here we go.
Yes, that would be lovely. Thank you.
What the hell?
He never hugs me.
And I offer daily.
- Do you think it's because they slept together? - No!
Damn it, 'cause I was going to try that.
Uh, josh, I don't mean to nitpick,
But last week, when I was late, I didn't get a hug.
I think we all feel under-hugged.
Guys, come on, you don't need special treatment.
You're responsible adults. Your lives are under control.
( whispers ) this one's hanging on by a thread.
No, I'm not!
I-- I had a little bit of car trouble,
Which involved jumping out of it to save my life.
And then I was going to call you but then the trolley ran over my phone.
Don't worry, I found a way to pay for the repairs,
Which involves baking and selling pies at the swap meet.
Now does that sound like somebody who's hanging on by a thread?
I'm sorry, you're right,
She's a train wreck.
I'm sorry too.
So, gabi, why don't you give me the mechanic's number
- And let me take care of this for you? - Oh-- no no, thank you.
This thread-hanger-onner has it under control.
Hey, you know I didn't mean anything by that. I'm just looking out for you.
Give me the mechanic's number and I'll make sure he's not ripping you off.
Oh, trust me, I did my research and this is the perfect mechanic to fix my car.
Really?
And how did you decide that?
Well, he was the closest one that sofia and I could push it to.
Did a small blonde girl drop off a rusty toyota tercel in here?
Ooh, I wouldn't forget a piece like that.
- Excuse me? - That car, man. What a piece of junk.
I told blondie she is gonna take a lot of work, man.
( chuckles ) oh, I bet you did.
Guess what? Now you're dealing with this guy.
So why don't you break it down to me, man to man?
Okay, the timing belt snapped, sent the valves through the pistons,
The transmission bands are shot, and the camshaft bearings are dust.
That's what I-I figured. Yeah, I-I thought that was the problem.
So how much is it gonna cost to fix?
( sighs ) look, man, can I be honest with you?
That car is a coffin on wheels, okay?
I would not let my mother drive it.
Now, my mother-in-law, I'd give it to her with a big bow on top.
But guess what I'm gonna do for you,
I'll scrap it and give you 500 bucks
Towards any of my fine pre-owned automobiles
In my showroom-slash-sidewalk.
Ah, this is great! At this rate,
We'll have enough pies to sell at the swap meet tomorrow.
Ahem.
What are you doing?
( mumbling ) quality control?
Question, how are we planning on getting all these pies there?
In my car-- oh.
Don't worry. I'll figure something else out.
Okay? Because the pie's the limit!
( knocking )
Oh, hello, josh. Are you here to tell me
Something else I'm doing wrong?
No.
I'm here to tell you something I did right.
Oh yes, 'cause that's super different.
Come here, I have something to show you.
( muffled ) hi, josh.
Finally we're alone.
Schwah!
Sch-what's that?
( alarm beeps )
It is your brand-new
Used car!
- What? - You're welcome.
Wait, you bought me a car?
Oh, here come the tears.
Why would you buy me a car? I already have a car.
Not anymore you don't! I traded it in for that guy.
I had 'em scrap it. Who's excited for power windows?!
Not me! You scrapped my car?! How could you?
Wait, you're mad at me?
I don't get it. Everybody loves oprah when she gives out free cars.
- You had no right to do that. - ( snickers )
Look, gabi, there's nothing you can say that's gonna make me feel bad
About getting you a car and getting rid of that trash heap.
( sighs ) that was my mom's car.
She gave it to me as a present before she died.
Except that.
( alarm beeps )
- Gabi-- - stop talking.
Can we please just not say anything?
I mean how could you sell my mom's car?!
God, the ego on you! How does your head even fit in here?
Because it's actually incredibly roomy for a compact?
I'm sorry, I shouldn't be yelling at the person who gives me a paycheck
And buys me cars, but how dare you?!
This is the worst nice thing that anybody has ever done for me.
I'm serious, I am boiling mad!
That actually might be the heated seats.
I paid a little extra for them.
You better pray that my car is still--
- ( sigh of relief ) - oh, you're still here!
I thought I'd never see you again.
God, the thought of anyone else inside you just kills me.
And you're all in one piece.
- More or less. - Aha, there's the happy couple.
We are not happy or a couple.
Listen, guys, whatever the problem is, we can fix it.
The customer's always right.
Good. Because I traded this car in
And bought one of your newer models which I need to now trade back for this one.
Mm-hmm, okay. Not gonna happen.
No no no. Excuse me. Sir, I really think you're gonna want to change your mind
When you hear how guilty this man feels about selling you the car that my mother gave me,
And how he'll do anything to get it back,
So just name your price, he's a millionaire.
Look, I understand you've got a little situation going on
And I'm no crook, so I'll let you drive it off the lot for 10,000.
10,000?!
- Fine, sold. - Wait, seriously?
Gabi, this guy's got us by the lug nuts.
Someone decided to tell him I'm a millionaire.
But I want to make this up to you. So you said 10, right?
- Did I? I meant 20. - 20?!
- Okay, 20. - No, that's crazy. Josh, you can't do this.
- I can and I will. - Okay, 30 and you're out the door no questions asked.
No, stop. This is ridiculous.
Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Me? What about what he did to you?
Okay? You love this car. This is your momma's car.
All right? You don't turn your back on family, girl.
- I think we should go. - Gabi, please, just let me--
No. Josh, I can't live with myself if you do this.
Hey, why don't we all just calm down and go to the bank?
Where have you been?
I was riding a horse on the beach with taye diggs.
Where the hell you think I've been?
Well, thank god you're back, because I have got some dirt.
And I got some cleaning supplies, so spill!
Guess who bought miss hanging-by-a-thread a car?
- Miss who got a what? - Mm-hmm.
Apparently, being a responsible adult around here gets you nothing.
Turns out the squeaky wheel does get the oil.
- And a car to put it in. - Mm-hmm!
Oh, well, look who's back.
How's the new car josh got you,
That he didn't get anybody else who's worked here much longer than you?
- I hate it. - ( gasps )
Quick, josh, buy her a bedroom to go stomp into.
Guys, not now.
Well, yesterday you said you treat her differently because her life's a mess.
But I'm starting to think it's something else.
Now I don't want to play the race card...
Or the gay card...
Or the age card...
Or the asian card...
But you're prejudiced!
- Look, guys-- - sorry, there's nothing you can say
To make us feel bad about the miss I-get-a-hug-on-demand.
How about that I sold her late mother's car
And it was the only thing gabi had left of her.
Oh.
Come here, honey.
I had no idea.
Why the hell would you do something like that?
I can't believe I was seriously thinking about sleeping with you!
So why don't you just buy the car back for this sweet baby girl?
Oh, but we tried to, but when josh told him
He was a millionaire, he just tried to take advantage of us.
Sounds like you need someone he's not expecting.
Someone who can pull the wool over his eyes.
A beautiful streetwise diva.
All right, I'll do it.
Okay, so you pretty much saw everything,
Except for two cars I got parked across the street at the liquor store.
Anything strike your fancy?
Well, as sweet, broke newlyweds
We're just trying to get the best deal we can get.
That's right. We're just a couple of crazy heteros in love.
Oh, honey!
That one looks pretty.
Oh no no no, you don't want that one.
The bumper is a pool noodle.
I find it to be charming.
Oh, this reminds me of the car I drove in college.
I didn't think cars existed when you were in college.
( laughing )
We kid like that.
You know how newly married couples do.
Hmmm. So newlyweds, huh?
Where did you two lovebirds honeymoon?
- Paris. - Las vegas.
We went to the paris hotel in vegas.
Okay, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say I don't think you two are a couple.
We are... A couple of people who can't keep their hands off each other.
( gasps )
Each touch is like the first time.
In fact, I think you two are here on someone else's behalf.
I don't know what you're talking 'bout.
Well okay, if you two are so in love,
Why don't you lay a kiss on her?
- What? - Wha-what-- what?
Hmm, one nice kiss...
And the car is all yours.
- Okay, boy. - Here we go.
Both: You can do this.
Denzel. Denzel. Denzel.
- Gabi's just gonna have to get over this car! - Thank god!
Hey there, you got a second?
That depends, you got 30 grand and some more friends you want to bring in?
I know, I know. You can't blame a girl for trying.
Look, I brought you a box of stuff for the next owner.
Um, this is a list of hills that she can't make it up.
All right, whoa whoa, what are you talking about? Next owner?
I've been holding this car waiting for you to come back.
I know, I know.
Listen, I'm starting to think this whole thing is really just a sign from my mom.
She's telling me that it's time to let the car go.
Why are you listening to your momma?!
You're a grown woman.
Yes, I know, but I think it's time to...
Move on. So, will you please just let the next owner know...
( loudly ) that the parking brake sticks and you have to kick it!
Sweetie, how about this? Let's take one more look
- Before you make this rash decision. - No no no!
I can't, I can't! Ahem.
No, I can't. I can't look at that great car
With the steering wheel that locks unless you jiggle it.
But you have to be careful because the horn works.
You are hysterical. Do you need me to call somebody?
No, it's just all the memories.
You know, it was just-- it was such a great car.
And I really don't know how I'm ever gonna--
How I'm ever gonna move on. ( fake sobs )
But I will. Thank you.
Hmm, I got her right where I want her.
Oh, I don't know whether to be terrified
Or excited at how well you guys just pulled that off!
Whoo! If this wasn't a felony, I'd do it every day.
Uh, now might be a bad time to ask,
But does anyone else in this car have two strikes against them?
Oh, this spring is very into asians.
( laughs ) wait 'til it goes over a pothole.
Oh oh oh!
- Oh, you are so right. - ( claps )
I feel like there's electricity coursing through my veins.
Ah, well, there might be. There's a loose wire in the dash.
- Yeah. - ( engine banging, sputtering)
- Uh-oh. - Uh, gabi?
What do we do when your car does this?
Get the hell out and run.
Are you putting on lipstick?!
You're damn right. Where there's smoke,
There's firemen.
I would like to thank you all for coming
To help me say goodbye
To my beloved car.
I'm grateful for all the years that we had together,
And that we all made it out alive before she went up in a ball of fire.
But she sure looked pretty all lit up like that.
So if you have any memories you would like to share, now would be the time.
I remember how you pretended the rusted hole
In your ceiling was a sunroof.
I remember when that homeless guy
At the off-ramp gave us money.
I remember the time I was bored at a car funeral.
Sorry for your loss!
Here, I made this for you.
It's your window crank. I turned it into an egg beater.
Oh, cute.
And here's the hula girl you used to keep on your dashboard.
I swiped it before everything caught fire.
You guys all know that that car was
The last connection that I had to my mom
And that's why I had such a hard time letting her go.
But I look around this room and I start to realize what I do have:
Somebody who will hold my hand whenever I need it;
Somebody who will keep me safe no matter what;
A confidante who always has my back;
And somebody who tells you like it is, no matter how much you don't want to hear it.
I think this is going on a little long.
You guys know that nothing could ever replace my mom,
But I'm starting to think that...
She gave me four people that come pretty damn close.
( sniffles )
Elliot, are you crying?
No, it's just allergies.
I'm allergic to squalor.
Now, we have the traditional car funeral food...
Lots and lots of lemon pie.
Gabi: One for you, one for you.
Elliot: Girl, hand me a fork.
Elliot, you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Okay.
It's just--
What's the matter?
Nothing.
Hey, you can tell me.
The h.D.T.V. My dad gave me as a child
Stopped working last night.
And now it's gone.
All 60 inches.
Is that an electronics catalogue right there?
- Elliot. - "free shipping
When you buy surround sound." ( sobs )
It's a sign.
Not falling for it.
Sorry.